


The Matchmaker Calls

by Grandma_Wolf



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Fairy elements, M/M, Raunchy Comedy, Romantic Comedy, Supernatural Matchmaking, Terrible Jokes, and inspired by the prequel to the game that inspired THAT fic, it's from the same mind as Camera-Shy, what do you expect?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-26
Updated: 2017-01-19
Packaged: 2018-08-27 03:08:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8384890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grandma_Wolf/pseuds/Grandma_Wolf
Summary: Legend states that if you are a pathetic enough loser who can't keep a relationship down longer than the typical 'Wham-Bam-Thank You Sir and Ma'am', the universe may bless you with divine intervention to help you find your one true love. Or, in the case of a blonde, foul-mouthed Lust Fairy, find you someone you won't mind banging for the next forty years of your life!





	1. You'll Suck My Dick, I'll Suck Yours... It'll Work Out!

**Author's Note:**

> Hello dears! 
> 
> So... Grandma felt so BAD about how Camera-Shy ended that she decided to upload this fic that she had been working on while in the same headspace that she was in when Camera-Shy took priority.
> 
> This fic is going to be moreso updated when inspiration hits me since Rapacious and my Pokemon AU fic are going to take priority starting in November... But, hey, Camera-Shy was originally in the same basis, so let's see what happens. 
> 
> Also, remember how Camera-Shy was inspired by a certain game called HunieCam Studio? 
> 
> This fic is inspired by the spiritual predecessor of that game which just so happened to a fusion of lewd Dating Sims and Match-3 Puzzle games by the name of HuniePop.

 

* * *

 

A romantic atmosphere could be attained by as little as three simple things:

Dim lighting, sensual lounge music, and flowing drinks.

 _Chickadee's_ was the city's premium hot-spot to catch a drink while not having to deal with a bunch of uncarded teeny-boppers over-playing their getting wasted over a single White Russian or a jilted lover puking out several shots of Jager after seeing their special someone having fun with someone else.

Don't get Kisame wrong: he liked to party every now and then. But he was getting older, he had just reached the 'Oh _GOD_ , why am I still SINGLE?!' age of 28 and he was the head of City Hall's CSG (or the 'Citizens' Satisfaction Guild'), so he felt that it was time to start thinking about settling down.

Wait.

No.

Scratch that.

Who willingly _settled_ these days? Marrying the first person to smile at you just to go through an exhausting marriage, in-laws who never end up accepting you, adopting a kid in the vain hope that it'll keep the rapidly decaying family together, and eventually ending up having two mid-life crises, tri-weekly visits to a despondent family therapist, and an affair with a raspy-voiced casino hostess named Sheila?

No, no, no... Kisame was _not_ running _that_ gambit.

Which is why, even though he had listed several potential candi-dates (ha ha, he was clever) with the help of a gay meet-up site, he was looking at each date with the fine-toothed comb of 'Would I be willing to pick out tiling for the upstairs bathroom with this person after sex is said and done?'. And of course, for the six-foot-eight former football player who still worked hard to keep all of that well-deserved, broader than Zeus and as dark as a West African god, this meant a lot of talking.

He would admit, he was pretty talkative. Especially when it came to things that he liked. For instance, porn.

“And, what I don't understand is that out of _all_ the porn in the world to become a blockbuster hit, why was it _Fifty Shades_? My poor baby bro Samehada has been _literally_ chomping at the bit to get an actual book published but the honor keeps going to hacks!”

“Uh-huh.” Said date number three, texting away on his phone.

But Kisame went on, taking a drink from his wine glass before setting it back down upon the varnished cherry-wood of the bar. “I think hard work is a dying art form these days. I mean, _I'm_ no Picasso, but I like to think that there are places in life I could succeed in if people would give talent over phenomena.”

“Oh, yeah... Totally.”

Kisame pursed his lips before moving on, “So, is your hair naturally in that douchebag frosted-tip style or do you _really_ have to find someone downtown who is expertly trained in the art of 'still lives in my parents' basement – but look at my car that I can barely afford the payments on'?”

“I'm down for whatever, I mean...” His date half-heartedly replied. The frown that grew on Kisame's lips could have frozen a waterfall and turned it into pickle juice.

“You haven't heard a single damn thing I've said, have you?”

“So...” His date asked, finally looking up, “When are we going to go back to your place to, um... You know?”

That terrible attempt at flirting as well as the none-too-subtle hand on his crotch had Kisame limper than a neutered dog's enthusiasm for life.

He combed large fingers through his unruly cobalt hair until he shot his hand up into the air. “Check please!”

* * *

 

Kisame's date hadn't taken being rejected so bluntly that well. So, after Kisame _and_ the bartender had to team up to get the guy out of the lounge before he made an even _bigger_ scene, Kisame had decided that he needed a drink.

And then another.

And one more.

And then those three drinks turned into seven...

* * *

 

Kisame tipped his head back as he downed his second Red Headed Slut of the evening.

Oh, how he _wished_ he could have rewritten that as 'gone down on his second red-headed slut' of the evening, but he liked to think of himself as a gentleman.

Even when the ground was starting to spin.

“Bartender...” He groaned, setting the shot glass down and sliding it over, “Uno mas.”

“You've had enough tonight, kid.” The old bartender insisted, stepping away to call the other man a cab home.

Kisame gave another pitiful groan, slamming his head on the table. The bartender was right, he was well past the point of wasted and right in between 'Hollywood debutante forgot the purpose of underwear' and 'Going streaking if the Manchester United makes this next goal? That sounds like a FANTASTIC idea'.

God, he couldn't even _bear_ to imagine the pathetic image he made right now: a giant mass of a man slumped over a bar with splotches of Kahlua and tequila staining his dress shirt, whimpering about how he hated going home to an empty bed...

So deep in his self-pity, Kisame didn't even notice the gossamer set of footsteps that had manifested themselves out of nowhere. But, whether they were there to him only or if everyone else was too shit-faced to care, they were coming towards him whether he liked them or not.

The footsteps in question stopped right next to Kisame, a light and rough voice addressing Kisame. “Hey there, big guy. Looks like you had a big night.”

“Wha..?” Kisame managed to herculean feat of lifting his head which was quickly gaining the weight of three barrels and was greeted with a sight for sore eyes and hungover bastards.

The young man, he couldn't be older than 19, who stood before him was like if someone had sculpted a replica of one of the many K-Pop idol frontmen out of spiced caramel. His bright cerulean eyes twinkled as he looked Kisame over, his purple hair spiked up here and there. He grinned and leaned back on the balls of his feat, pulling attention to his black tank-top and skinny jeans.

“Are you...” Kisame swallowed, trying to keep his composure, “Sure you're talking to me? Oh _fuck me_ , I feel like lady Gaga's latest album _sounds_.”

The purple bombshell laughed, “Of course I am, ya big goof!”

Kisame sat up, fighting against the alluring call of the floor. “Sorry, sorry...” He held his hands up in defense, “I just don't get too many guys your age or your availability scale waltzing up to talk to me.”

“Well, there's one here now!” The kid sat down next to Kisame, his next words said with a concerned lilt. “Listen, are you going to be okay over here? You're having a harder time keeping it together than Congress. Let's start with names. More importantly, _my name_. Naruto, pleasure to meet ya.”

Kisame managed to get out. He took a handful of pretzels from the bar in order to aid his uneasy stomach. “I _literally_ can't remember my own name right now.”

“ _Riiight_.” This 'Naruto' character hummed, “We can always try that later. If there _is_ a later...”

Kisame was checking in and out of the conversation. If this kid wanted to hookup with someone for the night, he could have gone to _Boomtasia_ and grabbed the first eager co-ed looking for a piece of ass. _He_ wasn't interested. Hell, he wasn't interested in anything right now save for getting to bed and crying like a big baby as the alcohol worked its way out of his system.

“I'm fine.”

“Pssh,” Naruto scoffed, “That's a fat load of _shit_ and you know it.”

Kisame had to admit, that got a laugh out of him. “That obvious, huh?”

Naruto leaned back in his chair, a fox-like grin on his face. “Bruh, I could see it from _space_.” Naruto sighed again, rocking back and forth.

A thought.

A clever thought.

It had him grinning like he was the thirteen year-old boy who had just snuck some of his father's naughty magazines to his tree-house.

… You know, before the internet came along and ruined printed porn for everybody.

“Wait a second...” He looked Kisame over, “This level of pathetic-ness can't be a fluke. This might actually work. Yeah...” His grin turned excited, almost manic, “Yeah! Yas, bitch, this is your lucky _day_! Let's do this!” He jumped up and pointed a finger a scant few inches from Kisame's nose. “Hey, listen: I've gotta go and your ride is going to be here any minute now. But, trust me, we'll meet up _real_ soon.”

Kisame shrugged as the kid left, not even in the mood to figure out what he was going on about. But soon Naruto was gone and the bartender had returned to help him out to the cab.

 _Chickadee's_ really was such a nice place.

* * *

 

Kisame lived in a bungalow off the main part of the Fisherman's District: named such because of the canal and the easy access to the wharf. Luckily actual processing and buying were done two neighborhoods away.

Kisame lay in bed, snoring like a bear during hibernation. He was completely dead to the world and, therefore, dead to the gossamer footsteps that entered his room. This time, however, they were accompanied by the gentle tinkling of bells as bare feet padded over the carpeting.

“Hey...” The stranger whispered into Kisame's ear, “Hey... Wake up, sleepyhead~”

Kisame snored on.

“Come on, we've got work to do~!”

Sawing logs.

The stranger rolled his cerulean eyes and _floated_ over the bed until he stood over Kisame's sleeping face. “Alright buddy, you want to do this the hard way?” He looked back at his ass, “Well, not from what guys usually tell me.” He waited a moment before making himself comfortable and gently seating himself on the sleeping man's face.

Of course, since this stranger was wearing little more than a silk thong, the soft frisson of skin-to-skin contact was inevitable. As was Kisame immediately starting to panic when his air supply was cut off. The stranger didn't mind, he was getting a fun little 'ride' until Kisame lurched up and shoved him off.

“Took you long enough...”

“WHAT THE _FUCK_?!” Kisame sputtered out, “God, at least _warn_ a guy first, you...” He made an abrupt stop and reached for the lamp on his bedside table.

… He had to still be drunk.

How else could he explain what was standing, _floating_ in front of him. It was that kid from the bar, only he... wasn't. His hair was now a shimmering blonde, golden bands around his arms and ankles, swirling tattoos of arcane script lost to time scattered all over his body with tribal scars on his cheeks (three on each side).

And of course the silken thong that left nothing to the imagination being his only true clothing. But, still, the most shocking fact aside from how Kisame was practically rimming this kid a few seconds ago had to be the vermilion, wispy wings that sprouted from the youth's back and his pointed ears.

“I'm going to go ahead and call the police now.” Kisame reached for his phone, just for Naruto to swoop over.

“No! We don't need to do that, come on!” He gave a nervous chuckle, “Don't you recognize this _cute_ face? It's me! Naruto, from the bar!”

Kisame looked the blonde down and over before whimpering, “P-purple hair... No wings...”

“Oh, you mean my disguise?” Naruto said like he was a soccer mom about to BS her way into more flattery for making a last-minute cake out of a box. “Clever disguise, right? I can change my hair and skin complexion _any how_ I want. Pretty sweet, huh?”

Kisame quirked an eyebrow. “So can any woman with enough time and money.”

“Shut up.” Naruto deadpanned up at the man. “Anyway, if you haven't figured it out by now, I'm a member of the Fae. Or, as you humans know us as... I'm a fairy.”

Kisame looked Naruto's outfit over again. “Um...”

Naruto cut him off, “Did you know that every time you make a shitty pun, we get another disgusting flavor of Oreos? Now, anyway... As the Fae are divided into separate genuses and families, we all have to help out and govern one aspect of the working world to keep things in balance. _I_ happen to belong to the family of Courting and Romance... I'm a Lust Fairy.”

“What the _hell's_ a Lust Fairy?” Kisame asked, not believing that he was going along with this, “And why should I even believe you?”

Naruto ignored the second half and moved on. “As a Lust Fairy, it is _my_ job to help miserable...”

“Ouch.” Kisame winced.

“Pathetic...”

“Okay, maybe we can--”

“Worthless saps like yourself find better fortune in all matters of love, romance, and, of course, making consensual vats of baby-batter.”

Kisame cringed a bit. “You know, talking like that gives off the impression that you've never had sex a day in your life.”

“I've gotten more ass and pussy than you have or ever will, dude, so just listen and shut up.” Naruto snapped out, moving gracefully back into his explanation, “My Track Record is pretty sweet though, bruh. All of my past clientele are... basically drowning in lube and condoms now. But this city here... I can just smell a group of lonely saps dying for love. You just so happen to be my _first_ target.”

“Hold on,” Kisame pinched the bridge of his nose, “I'm still having trouble accepting the whole 'fairy' thing without it crushing my entire reality!”

“Dude, just go with it.” Naruto groaned, “It'll be fine... Just... tell me how many dates you've been o--”

“87.” Kisame replied without even thinking about it.

Naruto blinked, slowly asking, “Okay... how many people have you slept wi--”

“97.”

Naruto looked Kisame over, Kisame eventually explaining, “It was Orgy Day during my Sophomore year in Uni and I was trying to impress my fraternity brothers...”

* * *

 

Naruto sat, enraptured at the story Kisame was telling. “... And that's how I figured out just how many times a banana can be used as a sex-toy.”

“You could write poetry...” Naruto whispered in awe. But Kisame snapped back into reality,

“So, are you going to leave now or--”

“Hell no!” Naruto floated away to the other side of the room and snapped his fingers, a velvet-covered sleeping cushion appearing in a cloud of sparkly orange. “Tomorrow morning we are going to find _you_ a boyfriend. Though we'll have to see if we can find someone to match your prowess...” He added in a murmur.

“What was that?” Kisame asked, Naruto insisting,

“Shh... Just... _Go_ with it. It's like King Crimson, it just _works_ , okay?”

With that, Naruto flopped onto his cushion and conked right out. That left Kisame awake and still confused. However, he ended up shaking his head and grumbling, “Good grief...” Before trying to go back to sleep.

* * *

 

Kisame had managed to dive deep into slumberland, away from crazy sexed-up fairies and thoughts of loneliness and solitude.

“WAKE UP!” Naruto jumped up and landed on Kisame's legs, jerking the man from sleep. “Rise and shine, fucker, we're going to find you _a man_!”

“Oh _God_ , you weren't just the first symptom of alcohol poisoning?” Kisame looked at the alarm clock next to his bed, “It's only 8:30 in the morning, Naruto, I don't have to be at work until _noon_!”

“Yeah, whatever... Look,” Naruto shoved what appeared to be a tablet engraved with golden symbols of hearts and flowers all around it. “My 'LustyBee' spent all night sifting through the potential singles in this city, as well as the several other pathetic SOBs I have to help when I'm done with you. And your best match is going to be at _Javalpaca's_ in 30 minutes! Get showered, get your clothes on, grab your shit so we can go!”

* * *

 

Kisame didn't know where the time went but, sooner than later, he and Naruto were walking into the cozy pink cafe known as _Javalpaca's._ “Alright,” Naruto said as he dusted off Kisame's sweater vest/dress shirt combo, “Before we go in there, I need to explain the Honey Effect.”

“The what?” Kisame asked, immediately berating himself for asking questions at this point.

Naruto went on, “Have you ever had warm honey? Basically, when you and your perfect match make eye-contact for the first time, all pretenses and masks that they have will be lowered for you to be able to see the _real_ them. So pay attention!”

Kisame still didn't get it but hell if he was going to ask Naruto to elaborate on a crucial story element –

* * *

 

Insert your own joke about Masashi Kishimoto here.

* * *

 

“Wait a second!” Kisame finally sputtered out, “What the hell, why are you still dressed like that?!”

“Oh, this?” Naruto hummed, looking around for anyone that popped out, “I can only be seen by the human I'm assisting with at any given time. Pretty sweet, I know. Hey...” He pointed across the cafe, “Hey, I think that might be him!”

A young man stepped out of line, dressed in khakis and a black turtleneck, he looked from behind simple black glasses to try and find someone to alleviate the ridiculously long line situation. Finally, he saw an out.

“Excuse me. Yes, you young man, excuse me!” The teacher walked over to the frowning redhead with an obvious affinity for thick eyeliner, tattoos, and excessive chains on his clothing.

The teen glared at the teacher, an obvious sign of 'go the _fuck_ away before I rip your throat out with my teeth' not fazing the teacher in the least. “Yes..?”

“Nice weather we're having, huh?” The teacher opened up before delving into the issue, “Look. I've... kind of been waiting here for over an hour now. I'm still waiting to be helped and it looks like several other customers are too.”

“Oh...” The teen, 'Gaara' his name-tag read, looked around and saw the lines of grumbling customers, “Yeeeaaahhh... Listen, so... My shift _just_ ended. I'm pretty much out the door already. Someone _else_ should be in at any minute.”

The teacher tried giving his most sincere expression as he implored the teen, “I'm just trying to get a simple caramel latte with a piece of banana bread. I'm sure you could help out a few more people since your coworker is running a bit late. Besides, it would only take a second.”

Gaara scowled up at the teacher. “ _Actually_! I mean, it would be a _lot_ more than 'a second', _soooo..._ ”

A teacher's patience can only last so long.

“Are you...” The teacher shook his head, his kind countenance withered away like Saturday morning cartoons, “Are you _serious_ right now?”

Gaara grit his teeth and ripped away his name-tag. “LISTEN!” He growled, “I should have been gone over _FIFTEEN_ minutes ago, okay?! I'm DONE!” And, with that, Gaara stormed out: leaving a shocked crowd and a flabbergasted teacher in his wake.

“Wow.” The teacher blinked, looking around, “Okay then.”

Kisame stepped aside just in time to avoid having to deck the kid when he stormed past. “Little prick.” He grumbled, looking back to the teacher who was getting into line for more waiting. He had to admit, the guy was... pretty hot. Slender with curves but not feminine, save for his face and the red ribbon he used to keep his raven hair tied behind his neck. There were faint stress lines that betrayed long nights of textbook drilling during the college years, but even that added to the guy's charm.

It seemed like Naruto thought so too. When Kisame turned to the fairy to ask him if the teacher was the guy they were looking for, he jerked back when he saw the fairy shamelessly humping the corner of one of the tables.

“Bro... Bro..!” Naruto moaned out, a flush on his face and a line of drool already escaping his lips, “Japanese guys?! _Don't_ even get me started, bro! I have the _hugest_ case of Yellow Fever like _ever_! EVER! Like... a Yellow... _fucking_... _Plague_ , bro!”

“Can you _stop that_?!” Kisame was all the more thankful and woeful that he was the only person who could see Naruto. “Look, I... I want to go talk to him. Is this the guy?”

“Oh, _fuck_ YES!” Naruto cried out, biting his lower lip. “Okay... Okay, okay, okay..! Considering what just... Just went down, he's probably kind of pissed. Try to get on his good side but – Oh, _fuck_ – don't be an ass-kisser! Tell him something he... wants... to... hear..!”

“I'll keep that in mind...” Kisame brought out his phone to check how he looked before stepping into the fray.

He eased into line behind Itachi easily enough: people had started leaving in rage by this point.

“Fucking kids these days.” He shook his head, “Do you want me to go find a manager or something?”

The teacher shook his head, “No, no... It's fine. With _that_ kind of temperament, I doubt it would help much.” He turned around, “Thanks for the off...” His words trailed off into silence as he met Kisame's eyes.

Kisame felt his words melt away too. He distantly remembered Naruto mentioning something about a Honey Effect, but he couldn't think about it now.

The moment passed, the teacher trying to fan away the flush that had dusted his cheeks, “I'm... I'm sorry about that. Um... Right, yes... The _nerve_ of some people. Was a cup of coffee and some customer service so much to ask. _So_ sorry to ruin your day! Goodness, listen to me go off...” He looked up at Kisame again, “Have you been waiting long too?”

“Not really.” Kisame grinned, “After all, I've only been waiting for a chance to talk to you.”

“Me?” The teacher blinked, “Now, _why_ is that? You see something you like?” He chuckled, moving up when the line started to inch forward, “I have to admit, that was _fairly_ brave of you. A rarely used...” He discretely lifted his hand and curved the middle, ring, and pinky fingers before slowly moving his hand back and forth. “ _Technique_.”

Oh, _fuck_.

Kisame gulped, not expecting Naruto's matching skills to be so head-on. “Technique, you say?”

The teacher nodded, lowering his hand. “Hitting on attractive men in coffee shops, I mean.”

“Why?” Kisame looked up at the menu to see what he could even get here. “Is it working?”

“I wouldn't say it's 'working',” The teacher turned to walk up to the counter, a noticeable saunter in his step, “But you _have_ caught my interest.” He ordered his latte and his banana bread before turning back to Kisame. “I don't usually do things like this, but I will say you've managed to brighten my mood. Consider yourself luckier.”

Just then, the barista on duty announced, “Caramel latte and banana bread for Itachi Uchiha!”

Itachi turned around to say, “I like the booths by the window. They're nice and... _secluded_. Come along quickly, though... I want to hear more about how _attractive_ I am.” Before grabbing his order and going to find a seat in the area he mentioned; laying the groundwork for Kisame to follow him like a puppy to kibble.

* * *

 

“Oh _fuck_...” Naruto panted out, the front of his thong stained and sticky with his release. He looked over at his LustyBee tablet to see that it was displaying six shadowed faces in addition to Kisame's. “Well...” He grinned, “I'm going to have a lot of work these next few weeks...”

 


	2. You Know What's A Good Way to Relax? Fucking~!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I actually managed to update this fic again! Whoo! 
> 
> Now, something that people who have been following my fics for a while know: despite Naruto OBVIOUSLY being based in Japan, in my AU fics (so, essentially, ALL of my fics) I like to play around with Nationalities (why I usually like writing Kisame being black or Kakuzu being Russian or Hidan being from the UK). 
> 
> Why do I mention this now? Just to give a head's up as to why Neji is suddenly Indian in this. Alright, let's read on!

 

* * *

 

Gentle laughter and conversation could be herd around the bend in _Javalpaca_. Two men who had barely met a few moments ago were managing to hold a conversation like two long-term friends.

Who obviously wanted to get into each other's pants.

Naruto floated next to Kisame's ear and whispered, “Ask him whether he's a top or a bottom!”

Kisame pretended not to hear the lust fairy buzzing around, but Itachi seemed to beat both of them to the punch.

“Are those muscles just for show or is there actual strength behind them?”

Kisame grinned. He looked around before standing up, walking over to Itachi and, without a beat or a peep, lifted the chair Itachi was sitting in with the teacher still in it.

“What do you think?” Kisame laughed, Itachi flushing again but hissing out,

“Alright, alright! Put me down before we get kicked out of here!”

Once Kisame obliged, he couldn't help but notice just how much Itachi seemed to have liked that, despite his protests. “Good to see that if someone wanted you to pin them down into bed and fuck them silly, you would be capable.”

This little shit...

“Mind if I... ask you a question?” Itachi put forward, stirring his drink with a straw. Kisame was prompt in replying,

“Don't see why not.”

“What motivates you to get up in the morning?”

Kisame leaned back in his seat, humming as he mulled the question over. Of course, there was work. But, then again, he didn't have to be at work until noon on a usual day. Then what..?

He opened his eyes. “I guess the idea of everything I have yet to accomplish. Future goals, the people I have yet to meet, the minute differences I can make in the grand scheme of things.”

Itachi was quiet, regarding the man across the table with wide-eyed silence. He had been expecting something simple, something cute and dumb, but that... That was...

“You're just like me.” Itachi smiled. He took a bite of his banana bread. “Then again, I suppose I wouldn't be teaching if I didn't have the urge to make a difference. Mount St. Ivy's, before you ask.”

“The private girls' academy?” Kisame asked, Itachi nodding. “Huh. I would imagine that they would only want women teaching there.”

Itachi cut his remaining bread into several small pieces. “Well, ideally, yes. However, since I do lean towards the _gayer_ side of the spectrum, they tend to look the other way. Though, I will admit...”

Kisame looked up from his coffee when Itachi's words paused.

“Sometimes when I'm sitting there, grading papers or overseeing exams, the most _awful_ thoughts start forming in my mind.”

Kisame swallowed down a choke as he felt something warm brush up against him underneath the table.

“The idea of being punished by a teacher or a headmaster... Being bent over a desk while large, heavy hands inspect every ruffle and lapel of my uniform... How many strikes, do you think, would be a proper punishment for violating the rules?”

Alright, Kisame knew a challenge when it was right in front of him.

“I'd say,” The larger man began, “It depends on the punishment. After all, the purpose is to _teach_ , right? If the uniform wasn't up to code, I'd say some soft yet _firm_...” Kisame nudged Itachi's leg under the table. “Action. If the student in question was talking back, you could simply give them something much more interesting to keep their mouth occupied. Something on the _larger_ side?”

“How large are we talking?” Itachi asked, leaning in as intrigue lured him in. All for Kisame to chuckle,

“I'd recommend having throat lozenges on hand.”

Something in Itachi sparked, the teacher barely stifling a moan as he forced himself back into his seat. “I'll have to... hold you to that. Let me have your number.”

The two made quick work of exchanging contact information, Kisame grinning down at the other, “So... I'll be hearing from you, then?”

“Hm...” Itachi didn't exactly respond as he walked away. But he didn't ignore Kisame either. “We'll see about that.”

When Itachi was gone and those around were busy with their own affairs, Naruto fluttered over and sat across from Kisame. “Well? Am I good or am I _fucking_ good?”

“Naruto, h-he's...” Kisame shook his head, laughing as a wide smile grew on his face, “ _Amazing_! Holy crap, I want to call him as soon as I get home tonigh--”

“NO!” Naruto slammed his hands against the table.

“'No'?” Kisame shook his head, confused, “What do you mean 'no'? Naruto, he's perfect!”

Naruto sighed, “Look. I need this to go well, okay? So you're going to have to follow my advice to the dot. And that means not calling him for 3 days.”

Kisame wasn't happy to hear that. “Naruto, I don't feel like letting this opportunity slip through my fingers.”

“Kisame, please.” Naruto said, “I've been doing this for a long time, okay? Just, trust me on this.”

Kisame sighed, scratching the top of his head. “Okay. Okay, I'm leaving this in your hands, I guess.”

Naruto smiled. “Good. Now, finish up your drink and go on living your normal life. I'll see you in a few days.”

“Wait,” Kisame protested, “You're leaving?”

Naruto simply nodded, holding up the LustyBee, “Remember, you're not the only pathetic loser I'm helping in this town. Don't worry, these next three days will pass in a snap.”

And then... He was gone.

* * *

 

“Dad!”

“What is it, honey?”

“These are the shoes that Jolyne Cujoh wore in the latest episode of JJBA! Can I have them? Please?”

Kakuzu Hoku looked up from the newspaper he was reading while his daughter flitted here and there during their weekly mall trips. That were more or less 'Kakuzu sits down, reads a newspaper, and his daughter points out things that she wants until Kakuzu relents'.

“You already have plenty of shoes, honey.”

He kept his dark hair cut to a medium length, the unruly nature of it making it seem more imposing than it was, his deep emerald eyes and the scar that crossed his cheeks and his mouth adding to the domineering nature that had people falling over backwards to please... but also backwards to get away from any impending wrath.

“Dad, come on~!” His daughter insisted, “All of those shoes are from last season! You know...” She pouted, “Mom and her new boyfriend would buy me these shoes.”

Kakuzu set down his newspaper, his frown enough to turn lemonade into piss. He really didn't feel like arguing or parenting right now so he reached into his wallet and handed his daughter one of his debit cards.

“Whoo-hoo!” The teenager rushed over and took it, kissing her father on the cheek, “Thanks Dad, you're the best!”

When his daughter rushed into the store, Kakuzu sat back to recollect on his life. Perhaps marrying a young model wasn't the best decision in his track-run. Then again, Nadia had seemed nice: born in the same hospital in St. Petersburg that Kakuzu had been two decades before.

But then the divorce had happened. Not that Kakuzu would have initially wanted to leave her but when he found out she was sleeping with their chauffeur and was even planning on getting her young paramour to plan a hit on Kakuzu, the banker's insurance policy being a spicy bit of beef, he was quick to cut her out of his life.

Thank goodness he had forced her to sign a Prenup.

Thus, Kakuzu and Nadia traded off custody of their daughter every week. And the little minx knew that she could coerce either of her parents into buying her whatever she wanted; both of them trying to one-up the other in their affection for the teen.

“Kids, huh?” Naruto hummed as he sat down next to the larger man, back in his purple-haired visage.

Kakuzu glanced over before commenting, “I already know that that purple hair isn't your normal style. Twinks aren't my type, either. And you're way too old for my daughter.”

“Hey!” Naruto flushed, “Don't try and push me off like that! Especially if I'm only trying to help you find someone to bust a nut with so you won't keel over from high blood-pressure and stress!”

Kakuzu turned to face Naruto. “And how did you know I was single, young man?”

“Shit.” Naruto gulped before letting his true form slip, wings stretching out behind him, “Okay, look, let me break things down for you _nice_ and _easy_... You know, like an Oktoberfest first-timer.”

* * *

 

By the time Naruto had finished explaining his identity and his purpose, Kakuzu was... Well, not less skeptical by any means but he was definitely curious.

“If you _are_ a 'Lust Fairy', as you put it,” He began, “Then tell me something from my sexual history that only I would know.”

Naruto looked at Kakuzu for a moment before he stated, “Once, when you were in high school, you and your friends stole some booze and got so shit-faced that you tried to fuck a goat.”

“Okay, okay! Stop!” Kakuzu looked around to make sure that no one had heard that. “Fine, great, you're a fairy. Now how do I figure into this equation?”

“Easy!” Naruto pulled out his tablet, “I was originally going to sneak up on you when you went to work but you being here at the mall works out _great_!”

“Explain yourself _faster_ or else I'm leaving.” Kakuzu grumbled, looking to see just what his daughter was buying with his money.

“Okay, okay, okay!” Naruto held his hands up in defense, “I know that you're a man with money on his motherfucking mind and that means you don't waste any time.”

When Kakuzu glared at him again, Naruto sighed, “Look, the LustyBee is telling me that your best possible match is somewhere in this mall. Can we please just work together to find him? Come on, you need to get laid nothing like real pussy and ass compared to your hand and porn videos, right?.”

Kakuzu rolled his eyes, about to insist that Naruto go on and take his 'Lust Fairy' duties and shove them up his ass (though, for some reason, he felt like the fairy would enjoy that), when a savage, infuriated shriek sliced through the air. The volume and pitch of it was enough to peel paint from walls.

“Fuck me, what was that?!” Naruto asked, “And I thought I sounded bad when I tried anal for the first time.”

Kakuzu ignored him, walking over to nearby salon. Naruto fluttered over behind him and both man and fairy looked inside to see a svelte young gym-bunny who actually managed to inherit the traits for albinism: his ruby eyes glaring daggers at the target of his anger, his short white hair freshly trimmed and awaiting styling.

“ _WHAT_ the _FUCK_?!” The young man shouted at the hairdresser, “Of course you went and bloody screwed it up! AGAIN, for _fuck's sake_!!” His pale, almost translucent skin was picking up every rush of blood his anger pumped through him and his muscles were tensed as if he was about to start swinging.

However, the hairdresser in question, an Indian young man with his long brown hair pinned behind him, pale eyes, and a name-badge that read 'Neji', snapped back. “That is _exactly_ what you asked for! Are you _shitting_ me right now?!”

“The perm fumes are going to your shite brains!” The angry albino shouted, “Look at me! How the _hell_ am I supposed to _walk around like this_?!”

Neji rubbed at his temples, careful not to poke himself with his comb or cut himself with his scissors. “Insane. You are _fucking_ insane! This is how I always do your disgusting-ass hair!”

The albino sputtered, mouth agape and eyes looking around. “Disgusting-ass...” He scoffed, licking the corner of his mouth. “Look who's talking, knobhead!”

“No, you jhalla randhwa!” Neji hissed at him, “My hair isn't brittle or reeking of smoke and vodka, alright?!”

The dissatisfied youth wasn't done, though, even after all of that. So, why not hit below the belt?

“Whatever!” He smirked, “Why don't you go and knock up another high school kid?”

Neji choked, his whole being deflating. He was still angry, furious even. But he didn't want to give this guy any more attention. He closed his eyes, his grip tightening around the scissors. “You need to turn around...” He breathed out, “And walk away.”

“Aw, what's wrong?” The albino sneered at him, “Did I hurt your pissbaby feelings~?”

Neji struggled not to engage. “Turn around. And walk away.”

The white-haired man turned around and huffed, swiping a handful of hair gel. “Gladly! Won't have to see your filthy, punjab face anymore.”

When he left the salon, he muttered to himself as he slicked his hair back, “Fucking cuntrag shitfucks need to learn..!” He passed by Kakuzu and Naruto in his fuming, Kakuzu commenting,

“That boy has obviously never seen the better end of a belt.”

“That, in my line of work,” Naruto explained, “Is called: 'The Hellcat'. Violent, angry sons of bitches but, if they take a liking to you, they'll love you to the end of their days. Of course, a few whips and chains don't hurt either.”

Kakuzu watched the 'hellcat' in question walk further away, though even he would have to admit he had an ass that you could bounce a quarter off of.

“This kind of situation calls for a man who can take charge!” Naruto continued on, “He has to know that _you're_ the boss and you're not going to take any of his bullcrap! Firm hands, firm strokes, a firm grip, a firm – Actually...” Naruto licked his lips, reaching down to rub at the chubby down below, “I'm going to take my own advice and go jerk off on in the photo-booth over there. Good luck!” And, just like that, Naruto had fluttered away, shoved five dollars into the photo-booth toll, and closed the curtains behind him.

Kakuzu shook his head, leaving the fairy to his own devices. He had a much more... interesting prospect to look into. He looked around before deciding what the best way to cut the young man off would be and quickly made it over to where the kid was just about to light up a cigarette. Kakuzu made sure to stand in the path of the angry gym-bunny with his back turned and, like clockwork, he snapped out, “Hey! Would you mind movin' the fuck out of my way?!”

Kakuzu ignored him. If he wanted a response, he would learn some God damn manners.

The albino grit his teeth and reached forward, forcibly turning Kakuzu around, “I said fucking mo...” He trailed off, his face blushing and his breath growing short when he looked up at Kakuzu.

Kakuzu decided to go along with this open window. “I'm sorry, were you talking to me? I don't respond to _children_ who lack their manners.”

The younger man took a moment before he bit out, a bit less sharp than before, “Sh-shut up. What the fuck is a geezer like you even doing hanging out here anyway? Creeping on teenage girls or somethin'?”

Kakuzu circled his young target. Once. Twice.

“Maybe I came here to get a few supplies.” He commented, “The collar, the leash, the lube... And, judging from your mouthy behavior...”

Ooh, the blush on the youth's cheeks and the trembling of his frame was making the boy all the more alluring.

“We could probably use a nice, shiny ball-gag. Until you learn the _correct_ way to use your words.”

“Holy fuck...” The young man breathed out, struggling to stop it from turning into a full moan. “Y-you know about kink, old man?”

Kakuzu stepped closer and rested his hand on the back of his neck and gently scratched. The youth was putty in his hands at that very moment. “What's your name?” Kakuzu asked.

“Oh, mother-fucker...” The young man _purred_ out, “Whatever you want it to be...”

“Quaint...” Kakuzu hummed, “But not what I asked. Now, again,” He stopped scratching, holding him there with a firm, gentle grip, “What. Is your name?”

“H-Hidan.” He responded finally, gulping. “Hidan Shiroi. And you better not be fucking around here!” Hidan, despite it being a struggle to do so, pulled himself away from those arresting fingers, “I mean it!You can't just go around acting like Dom of the Year for show, ya wanker!”

“I assure you,” Kakuzu reached into his pocket and tossed over a business card, Hidan quick to catch it, “That I am a man of my word and a devotee to my actions.”

Hidan read the name on the card out loud, “Kakuzu Hoku. Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to keep calling you 'old mother-fucker'.” He stuffed the card into one of his pockets and turned around to start walking away.

He turned to make sure that Kakuzu was following him, screaming when he saw the older man walking away. “Hey! HEY!” Hidan ran after him, “Where the bloody hell are you going?!”

“I have to go pick my daughter up from the store I left her at.” Kakuzu offered as if it were no big deal. Hidan fumed, not liking the idea of being left behind,

“You were just going to leave? After all that? Fucker, what kind of romantic are you?”

Kakuzu stopped his walking. He turned towards Hidan and grinned. “I guess you'll just have to stick around and behave in order to find out.”

* * *

 

Back at the photo-booth, Naruto stepped out on shaky legs. One of his hands was sticky with cum and he had that telltale dopey expression of 'that was one _hell_ of a jerk-off session' on his face.

“Let's see...” He hummed, taking the rolls of pictures from the dispenser when they were spat out. Yes, there was Naruto bucking up into his fist... There was him pinching and twisting at his nipples, that had been nice... He had even sucked on three fingers from his free hand just so he could have something in his mouth while he was beating his meat.

Paying no attention to the cum from his hand sticking to the pictures, Naruto looked around: hoping that he hadn't missed much of Kakuzu meeting Hidan.

Honestly, what kind of Lust Fairy would he bee if he let himself become distracted at the briefest whiff of arousal or erotic things?

“Hm...” Naruto looked at the pictures for a few more moments before grinning, “Fuck it, he should be fine.” He took out another five-dollar bill and shoved it into the machine, quickly jumping inside.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More JoJo references! Because why not!
> 
> Also: jhalla randhwa - is roughly translated as 'f*ggot whore' in Hindi. Yeah, it was hard to decide on a response for Neji in that altercation. 
> 
> Thanks for reading everyone! I hope that I still have the attention of some of you out there despite being away from this for so long. Love you all!

**Author's Note:**

> \- A 'Red-Headed Slut' is the name of a shot that combines Jagermeister, Schnapps, and cranberry juice.
> 
> \- I wonder how many people will find the JJBA joke I inserted in here...
> 
> Also, there are more ships this time around. Including the Original Male Character/Original Male Character... Which I only put there because I will be humanizing both Samehada and Tsukuyomi and making them a couple in this fic.
> 
> Anywho... You guys all know that comments and any sort of feedback are more than welcome both here and on tumblr!
> 
> Remember, Grandma loves all of you! Thanks for reading!


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